I Hate Poodles
Frankly, I’m surprised Child Protective Services didn’t see them. They were deep gashes across each ankle and big, bloody pokes along my heel. Every time I returned from my grandparent’s house, I was barely able to walk. It was clearly abuse.
By my grandfather’s poodle, Louie.
I hated this fucking dog.
Granted, my grandfather was a decorated veteran of World War II, severely injured in service to his country. He was a stoic man who, while personable and friendly in crowds, lived most of his life in his head, in his bedroom, watching satellite television before any of us had it, while petting Louie. The dog kept my grandfather calm and happy, and probably from blowing his head off.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to slice its off with a jagged yard spade.
If you got within six yards of my grandfather’s bedroom — which happened to be the radius that skirted my bedroom, the den where I watched TV and the bathroom — Louie would erupt into a barking fit, snarl and spit and snip at you until you left. It didn’t matter if my granddad swatted or yelled at him to stop, he would just go into attack mode.
When I ventured in to granddad’s bedroom to watch Red Sox or Celtics games with him, Louie would hide under the bed until I got down and bite the living shit out of me.
Yes. When granddad wasn’t looking, I kicked the shit back out of him.
I hated that fucking dog.
You’d think I would have mellowed over the years. Louie died of natural causes around 1987. I like to think as he took his last gasp, he was only thinking of one thing: Me kicking the shit out of him. I haven’t mellowed. I hate that little ratty ass, butt nugget as much now as I ever did. Only I have something Louie never had:
Besides opposable thumbs.
I have the Internet. And the ability to file for an LLC.
All I’ll say about my new project is this:
Poodles are the piraña of canines and should be eliminated from existence. They are a public nuisance, neighborhood menace and threat to national security. The breed originated in Germany, allegedly when Adolph Hitler had sex with a sheep. They are the official pet of France, which has a history of thumbing its nose at International peace by refusing to allow the U.S. military to fly through it’s less-than-sweet smelling air space. Thus, it is honorable and lawful to eliminate the poodle.
More to come, Louie. You fucking piece of dog shit.
March 25, 2014